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Friday, February 28, 2014

Jaded Heart

The sparkle in your eyes has now become dull and faded. 
The hope you used to feel has been replaced with thoughts that are jaded. 

The pep in your step is now just dragging you down. 
Your beautiful smile has sadly been replaced with a frown. 

You know it's time to make a change, you just don't know where to start. 
You're not happy anymore..sadness has consumed your heart. 

Don't give up and please don't despair. 
You can be happy again.. It just takes time to get there. 

Your Death Letter

I feel nothing for you, not even anger.
I refuse to let you hold a place in my mind.
The time I was forced to be around you,
Was enough to last me a lifetime.

I'm supposed to care that you're sick,
And your health is failing fast?
My only thought when I found out was-
Justice has come at last.

I have come to terms with everything.
With all you ever did to me.
I no longer blame myself.
I know your heart was empty.

You weren't capable of loving,
Not like a normal father should do.
I no longer blame myself.
This is all on you.

So this is the end for you..
Of this fa├žade you called life.
Your little family at your side,
Gripping the hand of your loyal wife.

I hope it is painless for you.
I hope you endure no suffering.
But I also hope the last thing you see,
Is a clear vision of  me.

As you take your last breath,
And your heart slows to a stop,
I want you to know you have my forgiveness,
Whether you want it or not.

It's not for you anyway.
I'm doing it for me.
Goodbye to you, Father.
May you never rest in peace.

Inside My Pain Pt.2

My step mother was jealous of me. 

Now, I didn't realize that at the time. There is just no way a child's mind could comprehend or understand that. 

She viewed me as competition for my father's love and womanly affection. I see that now. As an adult, I'm able to grasp things I just never could as a young girl. 

She knew things I didn't and never even tried to protect me from what was to come. She could've. She just didn't care about me enough to do it. I wasn't her child. I was the spawn of another woman and her demonic husband. 

She wanted me gone. She gloried in my pain and suffering. She would come to me and discuss my father as if I were a grown woman. Telling me things that would forever scar my young mind. 

My father didn't view me as his daughter. To him, I was a conquest. A prize to be broken and conquered. One that would be won at any cost. Even the cost of my childhood. The cost of my innocence. The cost of my trust. The cost of my faith in men. 

And it was a price I alone would have to pay for the rest of my life. 

My Description

If I had to describe my love,
It'd be very hard to do. 
But I'd try my best,
To explain how I feel about you. 

I'd start out by mentioning 
How wonderful you are. 
That when I look in your eyes,
I can see the stars. 

I would talk about your soft , delicious lips. 
And how I melt with each and every kiss. 

I would talk about your beautiful brown eyes. 
How they make my heart soar to the skies. 

I would also bring up your sexy chest. 
How it feels to lay my head upon it, never mentioning the hidden 'S'. 

I would say how good it feels to be wrapped in your arms. 
How I feel safe there, far from pain or harm. 

I'd have to talk about your gorgeous smile too!
That's one of the things I love the most about you. 

And last but not least, I would want people to understand...
You're everything to life, my heart, my soul, my man. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

My Salvation

I carried a burden on my heart for so long. 
Unable to lift it, unable to ever move on. 

Waiting for love to finally come my way. 
Knowing once it did, I'd finally be saved. 

But for years I waited and my burden became an unbearable weight. 
I wanted to give up, thinking loneliness was my fate. 

Just when I stopped fighting, when I could take no more. 
There you were.. My angel, my salvation..standing at my door. 

Suddenly life was clear to me. I knew what I was meant to do. 
Spend my life being treasured, being cherished, being loved by you. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Key

At the lowest point in my life, 
When I was clouded with doubt
I didn't believe in myself,
And I  just wanted to shout:

"I'm a big loser.
I'm scum of the Earth. 
I don't deserve love. 
I don't appreciate its worth. 

I'm a failure. 
I'm good at nothing at all. 
When others stand straight, 
I always crumble and fall. 

I'm a hopeless case. 
I'm not worth the effort. 
Don't waste your time on me. 
It'll be your biggest mistake ever. "

I repeated those things over 
And over in my mind. 
No one could hurt me because I did 
That on my own just fine. 

It took me a long time to see, 
I didn't deserve that hate. 
I had to learn to love myself, 
And it just couldn't wait. 

It had to happen immediately, 
I had to dig down deep. 
I had to find the wealth 
Hidden inside of me. 

It didn't take long for me to see, 
My words helped others, too. 
I had the key to help,
And I knew what I had to do.  

I had to write. And keep writing. 
Write from my heart and soul.
I had to express it all, 
So that you would know..

You are not alone.
I've been in your shoes. 
There's hope left. 
You CAN  learn to love you. 

Capture You

If I could capture you 
With my words 
I'd keep you by my 
Side forever 

And as long as I 
Wrote for you 
We would always 
Be together

I'd spin tales of love 
Weave stories for you 
Write poems every day
And you'd be my muse

I'd never put down 
My paper and pen 
I'd write for you 
Until the very end 

The Note

I was sitting on our bed,
Wondering what I should say or do. 
A piece of paper slid under our door, 
It was a note from you. 

I opened it up slowly, wondering what it could possibly say. 
My eyes scanned the paper and the note went this way :

"My love , I know things between us have felt kinda strained. 
But I want you to know I love you and that will never, ever change. 
We have our issues, but every relationship does. 
Nothing or no one can ever come between us. 

It will always be me and you against the world. 
And you will always be my one and only girl. 

Your love is what means the most to me. 
My goal is to always make sure you are happy. 

Please don't ever worry about losing my heart. 
It is yours now, just like it was from the start. 

I hope this eases your fears, and helps  you to better understand." 
It was signed at the bottom, "Yours now and forever, Your Superman." 

As hard as I tried to fight it, I couldn't help but to cry. 
This was what I needed to hear, that things were ok between you and I. 

I gently folded the note and placed it lovingly beside me on our bed. 
Rather than be alone, I went to be in your arms instead. 

We looked into each others eyes, not even needing to say a word. 
But what I saw in your eyes, was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard. 

I saw your love, it was there so plainly to see. 
I saw our future..our life, our hopes, our family. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Me Without You

can not imagine me
Without you. 
It'd be like the sky 
Without the blue. 

Like birds singing 
Without the sound. 
Like planting a seed
Without the ground. 

Like an icicle 
Without the snow. 
Like a full moon 
Without the glow. 

Like a warm breeze 
Without the wind. 
Like an hourglass 
Without the sand. 

Like a broken heart 
Without the pain. 
Like a summer storm
Without the rain. 

Like a favorite book
Without the words. 
Like a flock of geese 
Without the birds. 

Without you in my life, 
I'm incomplete. 
Promise you will stay 
With me always. 

Sunday Confessions: Dear X Love

Dear X Love,

  My time with you was tough.
 You never really showed me love.

  Instead I got nothing but lies.
 But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

The signs were there from the very start.
Like a fool I trusted you with my heart.

 The best thing I ever did was leave you.
 Because I found a man 100 times better than you.

He's funny, he's sexy, he's a beast in bed.
 Yeah, you heard what I just said.

I hope you found someone just like you.
 And I hope she makes you miserable, too.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Always By Your Side

If your stars start to grow dim,
Then mine will grow dim too.
When their glow is forever gone,
I'll stand in the dark beside you.

If your sky seems to come down,
Crushing you beneath it's weight.
Then I'll be right beside you,
Ready to share your fate. 

If your world stops spinning,
Leaving unsure of what to do. 
Then I'll help you however I can,
And we'll once again make it move. 

I will always have your back,
And nothing can ever take me away.
I love you so very much..
And that will never, ever change. 

Life Of A Writer

  Sometimes it seems that people think the life of a writer is easy. Since most of us work from home, "we don't have real jobs." Yea, I've actually heard that. 
  Let me explain a little bit about the life of a writer. 
  We have a tough job, but it's what we love. It's not always easy and stories aren't always pouring out of my mind. I wish they were. 
  As for myself, I also have a 2 year old daughter. She requires my attention as well. I have a home to care for. And  a boyfriend to care for and spend time with so he doesn't end up feeling forgotten or neglected. 
   I have a page I try to run. A blog I attempt to run. Illustrations that need drawn. 
   I do crafts daily with my child and learning time. I have cooking to do, meals to cook, baths to give, stories to read, songs to sing, boo boo's to kiss, castles to build from blocks, and still must find some quiet time for myself so I can write. 
  As of now, those moments are few and far between. 
 Do I expect pity or sympathy? No. But I do expect respect.  I demand respect. 
  I've been writing for nearly 25 years. I've poured my heart and soul into this. 
 My job is never over. There are no weekends. No vacations. No time off. Between writing and being a mother, I'm always on the clock. 
   I may not leave the house to head to a 9-5 job, but that doesn't make what I do, what authors do, any less important. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Have you wondered how much more you could take before you fell apart?

Have you cried silent tears, hoping no one would see? 
Have you felt completely alone, forever lost and empty? 

Even though it feels like it, your world is not  ending. 
This is your chance for a new start.. a fresh beginning.  

Wipe your tears away and plant your feet firmly on the ground. 
Your happiness is out there.. it just needs to be found. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Sunday Confessions: In My Closet

In my closet you'll find
Clothes and shoes.
But if you look deeper,
You'll find skeletons, too.

You'll find the heartbreak
 I try so hard to hide.
You'll only see it there,
Never on the outside.

You'll find hopelessness
And hurt and pain.
You'll likely close that door,
Never to open it again.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

A Glimpse Inside My Pain

My father divorced my mother when she was 5 months pregnant with me. I only saw him a few times throughout my young life. At the age of 12, I went to live with him, my step mother and their 1 year old daughter. 

After only being there a few days, 
I realized he was an abusive drunk. I was not even permitted to eat when I was hungry, and would get hit when I did. I was allowed to eat when he told me I could. 

Keep in mind, I was a straight A student in school. Honor roll, Beta Club, Honor Society, all that. The worst thing I ever did was leave my light on at night after falling asleep reading a book. But my father always found a reason to beat me. It was if he took delight, even pleasure, in it. 

I remember being held against the wall, my feet dangling off the ground, by his hand around my neck. Why? Because I had not washed the dishes well enough. I still vividly recall the horrid smell of his breath as he told me he couldn't stand the sight of me. 

I found no love from my step mother, either. She couldn't bear to even be in the same room with me. I began to despise myself. I couldn't understand why they hated me so much. It had to be because I was a horrible child. I would soon learn why they hated me. I will save that for another blog post. Another glimpse inside my pain...

Lost Friendship

This is one of the hardest things I'll ever have to say, 
But I really think it's best if we go our separate ways. 

Our friendship was once a wonderful thing to behold. 
Now it has become toxic and that's getting old. 

A part of me will always care about you, I can't help that. 
And parting ways with you makes me a little sad. 

But I have changed, and you have too.  
Goodbye, my friend. I wish the best for you.